“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu
I have a talent for making myself miserable sometimes. The clue to how I manage this is above. I try much, much too hard. Probably nowhere more so than with the horses.
I put so much weight on them because spending time with horses is the thing I really love in this life. I love it so much I crush the life out of it, like when you see a kid holding a hamster and its eyes are bugging out from the pressure.
Through my childhood and teens I wanted a horse so badly I didn't think about much else. I spent my whole weekend at a riding school helping out and ached to have my own.
Whenever I was sitting in a boring lesson at school (erm, all of them) I used to do a mental tour of the yard and picture walking into the tack room, seeing the farm dogs lying out in the sun and going up to the fields early in the summer to catch the ponies with a handful of headcollars.
Now I have my own (how lucky I am. I really mean that. I cannot believe my luck) I often press my face so close to them I can't see them, if you know what I mean.
When I do that it stops feeling right, and that seems to set off a cycle where I think if it doesn't 'feel' right then at least it should 'look' right.
So I tend to start cleaning tack, nagging the horses and worrying about the fact I don't go to any events and thinking far too much about what other people think (when let's face it, they're probably just busy worrying about their own stuff). No one needs to tell me how counterproductive this is. It strips the joy out of the whole marvellous set up.
At the moment it's all balanced nicely (phew) and I am genuinely enjoying it all in a lovely, easy way. But I still catch that whining voice in my head sometimes, bullying myself to ride, do this, do that etc.
The other day I went to see a friend who used to help out at the riding school too. We'd lost touch for years and it was so nice to see her and talk about that time in our lives and remember that feeling of being 15 and nuts about horses. I've extended an open invitation for her to come and ride when she can (she has a young family) and I really hope she will.
Our catch up put me in such a lovely mood and it carried into my evening at the yard. Just for a couple of hours I stopped 'should-ing' and just enjoyed spending time with Cady and Rodney. It felt glorious. I did ride, but only because I wanted to. It would not have mattered if I hadn't.
Interestingly, as soon as it 'feels' right, I stop giving two figs about how it 'looks' with the exception of 'how it looks to my horses'.
I'm going to endevour to let this feeling and approach continue, without trying too hard of course!
Happy horsing everyone x